Tourist Traps

Tourist Traps

Y’all…There is something you should know about my husband. It’s about his affinity for..for…for tourist traps. It’s a fact, that this man will stop at every tourist trap within a twenty five mile radius when we are traveling. He adores them. Gold panning – done it. Car Museum – been there. If it has the name Ripley in it I can assure you Billy Claunch has bought the t-shirt.

.Suffice it to say when he went to pick Hank and Stella up from camp and I stayed home with the other kids nothing surprised me about getting these pictures.


Because, of course, he took them to the wax museum.


I mean…


Alright cowboy, step away from Mrs Bullock.

James, the fourteen year old, and I are too cynical for that kind of tomfoolery. Speaking of traps, though, that what I feel like I’m walking into when I argue with James. For example, here’s the kind of claptrap I have to endure from him on a daily basis.

Me, constantly telling him he can’t watch something.


I love his teenage ‘but Mom, what I watch doesn’t affect me’ argument. As if kids haven’t been using that one since the beginning of time. Look at him sitting on that boat…Homefry was probably composing a text to send me asking if he could watch more business I was going to say no to.


Nacho Libre knows what’s up.


Clearly he doesn’t approve of the TV shows James is trying to get approval for them either.

Yes Ma’am

Yes Ma’am

Last week at Hank’s football practice I decided to stay and chat with the other moms. Was it because I wanted to watch Henry do what he loves? Nope. The fact is Gracie Rae is on a one woman mission to turn our house upside down every single moment we are home.

Consequently, any time we spend outside is a good thing. The stories I could tell about the mayhem her sticky fingers have caused…


So cute. So much trouble. 

Once she was knee deep in the sand pit beside the field happily playing I put my chair down next to another mom with a child a similar age. Now, as a warning I should have known I was out of my league. This mom was dressed in these leggings with these shoes l and had this hair thing going on but she was really friendly so we started talking. We had several things in common and I was really enjoying our conversation. The more we chatted the more I began to envision coffee dates and trips to the movies when, suddenly, things came to a screeching and abrupt halt.



She ma’amed me. Oh boy, did she ma’am me. As in, I asked a question and she responded with ‘yes ma’am.’ And not in the ‘oh girl, yes ma’am this pie is good!’ No, it was a ‘yes ma’am’ that you give to your Great Aunt at a reunion when she asks you to pass her the pitcher of tea. Like, up until then I was thinking we were peers. And she let me know by her ma’am that, oh no, I’m the old lady she is just being nice to.

Goodbye to coffee dates. Please pass the Metamucil.

I mean…what can I say. I out kicked my coverage. Which is just fine because the friends I have are awesome.

Yes, they’re great. Well, except for my friend Heather. See, usually she goes to the school’s athletic events with me but last Friday night she decided to sit at home and eat bon bons okay, legit excuse, she was staying home with a sick child, but I did’t have her to keep me out of trouble.

So, at the football game my friend Jenni asked me what I was reading. Now this is a woman that is well read but I don’t know her super well and I didn’t want her to think I was a complete dolt so I blurted out the, second..thing that came to my mind. I told her I was reading¬†The Breakdown. While I had recently finished that book – which I loved you should definitely read it – that wasn’t what I was currently reading. Why didn’t I tell her what I was currently reading? I’ll let the text I sent to my friend Emily afterwards speak for itself:


I mean…texting a friend to lie for you so she doesn’t find out you were reading a trashy Regency. Y’all, that ain’t right. And Emily is such a good friend she was willing to go with it. This is what happens when my friend Heather doesn’t show up at sporting events. I’m forced to lie as I awkwardly project my extrovertedness on to people.

Yes ma’am it was quite the situation.