They get so much worse…

…the resolutions I mean!

Yesterday, I blogged about an old journal I found with my New Year’s resolutions from 1997 in it.

This is Part Two.

Here we go:

Its a good thing this was all a long time ago or it would be really embarrassing. 
Double gulp.
 Moving on to pages two and three of my New Years Resolutions from 1997.
Someone please burn this journal.
Number Ten:
Keep my apartment clean (even my room!) – that means hanging up clothes, stacking books, and making my bed.”
I like the exclamation point for ‘even my room!’ 

It’s like I felt I deserved extra credit for keeping my room clean.
As for now, I do make my bed.
Um, it may be at 4 in the afternoon but that counts right!?
Does that count?
“Write letters! They are so much fun to get!”

Sheesh. Did I need to get out more?
Wash face and brush teeth frequently. Also make sure to use face cream!”

Oh, my. 
My, oh my. 
Was it a problem?
I don’t remember being gross.
Was I gross?
Why did I need to make that a new years resolution. 
Lets move on.
“Look cute – that means no going to class in sweats. So make up and hair curled”

Again, with the grooming issues. 
My mom is going to laugh or groan at this one. 
Because, this one, its still a problem.
The five year old got on to me the other day for picking him up in pajamas. 
Um, hello they were ‘work out’ pants.
“Present a consistent image (how about trying ‘the real me’) to all”

I have no excuse for this melodrama. 
It just was. 
Don’t judge me. 
Read at least one ‘good’ book a quarter and cut down on romances.”

Boring, move along. 
Guard my tongue! That means no more ‘sessions’ with Rusty and Laura Lee!”

Who knew we were such gossips? 
Man, I should feel really bad about that now. 
Rusty and Laura Lee, I command you to now feel bad about our gossip.
I’m sure whatever we were gossiping about was truly newsworthy. 
Accentuate the positive in a non sticky way”

That sentence is sticky.
Quit telling white lies – that means no more embellishing the truth”

Eh…I’m working on it. 
Act like a lady at all times in public – we know what that means.”

Um, no we don’t.
What the heck did I mean?
What was I doing?
And whats with the ‘in public’? 
Apparently, behind closed doors I could act any ole way I wanted. 
Keep up with the world – that means making an effort to watch the news, listen to NPR etc.”

Boring, move on.
On to page three:
Twenty one:
Expand my tastes in music – that means paying attention to what NPR says about music (classical, that is)”

Wow. I was really into NPR. 
Don’t worry I’m sure no classical music was harmed by my five minute foray into its world. 
Twenty two:
“Get some poise! That means walking like a lady and sitting up straight – also having great manners (eating slowly and the like)”

And the like indeed. 
What the ?
Was I ?
Why was ?
I have no answers. 
Again, why did this need to be part of my resolution?
 I was 20 when I wrote these. 
My Grandmom had been married for four years by the time she was twenty!
Would she have needed to remind herself to ‘eat slowly’

I need a moment…
Alright, last but not least.
Twenty Three:
Follow ‘The Rules‘ because I know they really do work!”

In case you don’t remember:

The Rules was a book that all men hated about…
Well it was basically about how to land a man. 
I know plenty of feminists hated it and I’m all for women’s rights. 
…this is a picture of me:
…holding my engagement ring. 
Boo yah! 
I landed one!
He’s a good un too!
There is no Twenty Four although I think I’ll add one posthumously:
Twenty Four:
Never write resolutions again. 

In Which We Learn Not to Write Resolutions…

What could possibly be in this dog eared little journal I noticed while putting up Christmas decorations?

A great big burst of embarrassment that’s what!

Why, its my New Years Resolutions from 1997!
Prepare to be amazed at my sensitivity and intellectualism. 
Just in case you can’t read that handwriting I’ll help you out. 
Resolution the first:
No more clumsiness! That means quiet times to center me for the day in the a.m.
Yeah…that didn’t really work out. I’m still just as clumsy as I ever was. 
And I’m still trying to get myself to have read my Bible in the morning. 
I mean…
 If I couldn’t do it in college why would I expect to be any better at it with 3 kids?
Number Two:
128 – That means aerobics 3 times a week and eating healthier and drinking H2O.”
Yeah…that didn’t really work out either. Moving right along (at a weight way higher than 128)
Number Three:
Organization – That means do my homework (even the reading!) and use my day planner”

I love how I put an exclamation point after reading. 
Like I really deserved an ‘atta girl’ for actually doing the reading. 
Number four was:
Get finances straight – that means balancing my checkbook (Gasp!) and paying all bills as soon as I get them”

Nice ‘gasp’ I took the time to write out. Getting a responsible husband solved some of that. 
I highly recommend one. 
Simplify – That means praying about all decisions and not jumping into things…choose a few things and stick with them.”

What in the heck??? I was in college.
 I had practically zero responsibilities – what needed to be simplified? 
Somebody slap this girl. I mean it! 
Time travel back and slap this girl. 
Like the scene in moonstruck when Cher slaps Nicolas Cage and says “Snap out of it!”
ADPi – Go to chapter and check the hall periodically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Bible Study – that means having “real” relationships w/ those girls and preparing ahead of time”

Finally! One I’m actually now consistently doing. 
One out of eight is great right?
Oh, its not?
Well, lets just keep going and see if we can up the average. 
Number Nine:
Spend more time with girlfriends – that means less time with you know who!”

I do. Lets move on.
Rabbit Trail!!!
 One night a friend and I went through our extremely detailed scrapbooks and pasted celebrities faces over our ex’s. 
Here was one of the results:
Rupert Everett was my date to the ‘Grab-a-Date’ social!
On a side note: man, my cousin Rusty is tall. 
Alright…thats gotta be all for now as the resolutions go on for two more pages. 
I know you are eagerly anticipating them…

On airplanes and layovers…

It takes a long time to fly to Montana. 
Several years ago, even though he knew this, Mr “I’m obsessed with Montana” still decided to fly alone with our four year old to big sky country.
I was probably supposed to capitalize Big Sky.
Billy decided to fly all the way to Montana with him and then…
…wait for it…
buy an RV and drive it back home.
What could possibly go wrong?
Did I mention he decided to do this in February?
Again, what could possibly go wrong?
So, we’ve already established that it takes a long time to fly to Montana.
Its at least two stops and sometimes even 3. 
So what do you do with a four year old on an airplane?
First you read the safety instructions:
Ya know, safety first and all that.
Don’t worry kid! 
People fly all the time. 
Nothing bad ever happens.
No one ever has to ‘assume the crash position.’
Well…maybe your Mom did once but everything turned out fine.
Well, fineish. I mean sure it left me permanently scarred and never wanting to fly again but there ya go. 
Second you color:
In your Transformers book.
And on the seat belt.
And on the tray table.
And on your Dad’s new jacket.
You feast!
Yummmm…fruit loops. 
Well, that took about 5 minutes. 
For the rest of the plane ride you fidget.
That gets us through the plane rides…
Now what to do in the airports?
You can listen to tunes:
Or you can try on cowboy hats:
Other than that I’m at a loss.
Have fun Billy!
But at the end of the very long day of travel at least you have this waiting for you:
Oh my.
Wow. Just wow. 
Have fun boys!