The Stupidity of Cows…

The Stupidity of Cows…

I used to be absolutely flummoxed by the concept of cattle guards. For those of you that don’t know,  cattle guards are rods in the ground that keep cows from wandering out of their pens. Now how they accomplish that I really don’t know. It’s truly a quandary. How in the world can a few smooth metal bars in the ground keep them from getting out? Who first figured this out? How can they not work out how to cross over them?

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Wow, cows must be really stupid.

But then…well, then I watched the three year old become absolutely undone by the gutter grate in the alley behind our house. She got the stroller wheel stuck in it and refused to think of an alternate way of getting through the alley. I mean, how dare that gutter be there impeding her progress from pushing her stroller. Sure she could have walked one step to the side but no –  instead she chose to stand and yell at the grate for a concerning amount of time.

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Even more concerning than the length of time it took her to give up was her absolute belief that the grate was going to get up, apologize, and move aside for her.

Look, we may not be rocking the socks off the ‘things a three year old should be able to do’ list the CDC publishes but we’re doing the best we can here. Well, best-ish at least.

I did take her to story time at the library a couple days ago and isn’t that worth something? Good news is the mean librarian didn’t even yell at me this trip. This girl yelled at me for talking too much.

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She’s a big fan of telling me to ‘shh, shh, shh,’ Unfortunately Story Time didn’t result in her immediate ability to do all the things a three year year old should do but she had fun.

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I’m not even going to photoshop that pen mark off of her. It is what it is.

Kinda like cows ability to maneuver cattle guards.

 

 

 

 

 

Look Kids! It’s NOT snowing!

Look Kids! It’s NOT snowing!

Well the bad news is they cancelled school and hardly a snowflake fell. I made chili anyway. I didn’t understand why everyone thought it would snow – all the national networks – i.e. the Weather Channel was saying we weren’t going to get any so I wasn’t sure what James Spann was so worked up about. Plus, as a Southerner I get a little leery when people in authority here say ‘those outsiders don’t know what they’re talking about – just listen to us.’

 I love my chili recipe. I modified it from a friend of a friends recipe – Her’s was great but way too spicy and too much trouble. I need to avoid a ‘Paula Cuts Jalapeños Without Gloves in 2013’ episode with all of my still scarred being. So NO jalapeños, like, eva.

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Here it is if you’re looking for a good (and yes it’s Paleo) Chili recipe:

4 tbsp olive oil
1 large onion, diced
4 cloves of garlic, minced – I use the stuff in the jar. You’ll never convince me it’s not the same.
2 large green peppers, diced
2 8 oz. cans pineapple tidbits – just trust me. I hate fruit but I LOVE this.
2-3 tbsp chili powder
3 tbsp onion powder
3 tbsp garlic powder
1/2 tbsp sea salt
1 tbsp fresh ground pepper
2 14 oz cans diced tomatoes
1 14 oz can tomato sauce
2 lbs ground beef

Coat bottom of large pot with olive oil. Add onion, garlic, green pepper, pineapple, and all spices. Cook until onions and peppers are tender. Add tomatoes and simmer another 15 min. While simmering, brown 2 lbs of meat in a separate pan. Drain juices and add to large pot. Add tomato sauce. Turn heat on low and simmer for about 2 hours, stirring often. Separate into small containers so you can eat it for breakfast until your husband starts saying ‘are you sure you should still be eating that?’

The girls decided to play in the bathtub for two hours yesterday afternoon which gave me time to start a new K-Drama. I’ve been watching Korean dramas for a few years now and in all that time I’ve NEVER heard them speak an English word (besides Fighting! – Which they use in the BEST way) any other way but disparagingly. Like the bad guy will say ‘get my money’ in English etc. Last night though? New words NOT used negatively! Birthday cake. That’s what they said. Aw…maybe they are thawing on the English language.

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What I’m not thawing on is letting James, the teenager, play any old Playstation game that he wants. Here’s our conversation yesterday:

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Him: “Can we go GameStop? I’ve got money and want to buy Mortal Kombat.”
Me: “Have I said yes to that game?”
Him: “Yes! Ugh, you never remember anything.”
Me: “I think you just say I’ve said yes to stuff to try to gaslight me into letting you play whatever you want.”
Him: “Mom, if I had that kind of power I’d be using it to watch Breaking Bad.”

Touchè child.

And yet, neither Breaking Bad or Watchdogs is happening. Kinda like the snow!

Calamari Anyone?

Calamari Anyone?

Last week we dissected squid –  hmm, how do I make the word squid plural? Squids? Squidoo? Squidamarinkidink? – in Henry’s class. Notice I said Henry and not Hank? Last week, he put the kibosh on calling him Hank. I have been calling that child Hank since he was a fat little roly poly baby and now I can’t anymore? I’m trying to work through it emotionally – the little punk.

Here’s Henry, as a baby:

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“I’d appreciate it if you’d put some food in my belly.”

I’m not sure if you’ve ever dissected squid before but it was quite the experience. To say the kids were enthused about it would be an understatement.

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The squid did not seem to be as enthused.

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Check this sucker out! Doesn’t he look like an alien? I mean, I’ve never actually seen an alien (ahem, that I know of)  but I’m pretty sure this is what they are supposed to look like.

The squid had all kinds of crazy things you could pull out of it. This was the squid’s ‘beak.’ Pretty cool, huh? Doesn’t this make you think of that hilarious octopus scene in the book Portofino by Frank Schaeffer? Uh, did you just say you haven’t read Portofino? Not cool, reader! Not cool.

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The coolest part of dissecting the squid was pulling the pen out. It actually looked like a pen!

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The kids then pierced the ink sac and wrote with the squid’s ink. Well, some kids did. My table couldn’t because I accidentally pierced the ink sac about a second after we started the dissection. Whoops.

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Yep, Coston’s name – written in squid ink.

Eli was pretty psyched about it too.

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Eli’s fifth grade brother once told me that the doctor had to sew an extra piece of skin over his abs because they were so awesome they would blind people if he left them as they were. True Story.

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Oh, the lovely smell of formaldehyde…The good news is I couldn’t even smell it. The bad news is the reason I couldn’t smell it is because I overused Zicam and now my sense of smell is totally shot. Good gravy, Zicam is amazing – except for that whole ‘destroys your sense of smell if you overuse it’ thing. 

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Henry did really well. We had a talk before hand about being respectful of the animal and not unnecessarily poking and prodding it. My high school Comparative Anatomy teacher, Mrs. Vought, taught me that.

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Mrs Boyd may look like your typical fourth grade teacher but she is one tough lady! She handled those squid like ‘no big deal.’ Also, just between you and me and the internets, she totally rocked those overalls.

What dissecting didn’t do was put me in the mood for Calamari. In fact, it made me just a wee bit queasy for the rest of the day. So, if we head to Olive Garden tonight – you can have my share of the Calamari.